Generally, when we have sex we seek to reach orgasm like the one that approaches a goal after doing a race. On many occasions it is our maximum motivation; the climax is what we are looking for and, if we cannot come for some reason, this fills us with doubts and uncertainty , as if the sex had not been worth it.
According to Professor Anjan Chatterje, every animal process in which pleasure is involved comprises three great cycles: the appearance of desire, the moment in which the necessary behavior is carried out to satisfy this impulse and, finally, the pleasure itself . In other words, orgasm would be that peak of sexual pleasure, when we enjoy the most, and that is why it seems so important to us to reach it every time we have sex. But what about when it becomes an obsession and its absence worries us too much? What if our sexual partner manages to make us feel uncomfortable because he continually asks us if we have arrived yet? This behavior, according to sex therapist Lawrence A. Siegel in the men’s magazine ‘Men’s Health’, is quite common in them: “I had a patient named Christine who was having a hard time reaching orgasm . Her partner continually asked her if it was close or if it had culminated during sex , causing relationships to end up being unpleasant and stressful, “he explains. Having sex thinking only of orgasm is like eating ice cream and enjoying only the cherry. Failure to come can cause embarrassment and frustration But why are some men obsessed with it? “It’s just something that is taught in this society,” says Siegel. “It is what they have to do, orient themselves towards their objectives, focus on the conquest as if they reached a goal, ” he explains. Some research suggests that they may feel less manly when they can’t get their partner to orgasm, even feeling embarrassed or distressed.
The orgasmic gap
“Of course men should worry about their partner reaching climax and not just them,” he says, referring to the orgasmic or pleasure gap . In case you’ve never heard of it , it’s a glass ceiling that makes up sex life. According to the ‘7th Barometer 2018’ of the Control brand on young Spaniards and sex, it was highlighted that six out of ten women have problems reaching orgasm during sex (59.7%), practically double that men (23.3%).
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“It is worrying, of course, but the solution is not what specialists call ‘ the imperative of orgasm ‘, or, in other words, the belief that any sex that does not end in climax on both sides is a complete failure “explains the therapist. “If women are pressured to come, it will be much more difficult for them to do so, in fact they can fall into a spiral of shame and anxiety that diminishes the enjoyment of sexual experiences,” he adds. According to studies, there is a glass ceiling or inequality in sex. They enjoy far fewer orgasms than they do What he advocates is ending orgasm. It sounds crazy, but he claims that eliminating the goal of climaxing can take the pressure off and make you have a lot more fun. ” Sex is much more than 20 seconds of orgasm, ” he says, explaining the steps to follow to end this pleasure gap.
Step One : Stop Asking Questions Now! No “are you about to arrive?” Am I still like this? Etc. Just enjoy the moment without pressure. Second : focus, as we said, on enjoying the experience. According to sex therapist Vanessa Marín , having a talk about orgasm is a good idea, but first: “Communication is always a good idea , talk about what makes you feel good and what you enjoy”. Third : make a list of things you would like to try in bed. Massages, caresses, deep kisses … it’s about exploring new activities instead of concentrating on orgasm, which will take a bit of pressure off you.
Basically, thinking about sex focusing only on orgasm is like eating ice cream and enjoying only the cherry . Intimacy, passion, and fun in sex are just as important and sometimes we put them aside. Ironically as it may sound, the less you think about orgasm, the more likely you are to reach it.